Study In PINK! in 30 minutes
by Milwaukee Meg
Summary: Parody of the first episode. In style of Star Trek 'fivers'... Mostly crack.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: It's crack, mostly. And it's not finished yet, because I tend to get sucked in watching the episode AGAIN, when I should just let it roll and shorten whaever they are saying. :) Comments are really aprreciated, and they can make me write faster. They are for me like spinach for Popeye.

Besides, is ot just me being blind, or is there only one or two other 'Study in Pink' parodies?

Warnings? A bit of not entirely nice language. But no 'f**k' every other word, don't worry, it's not that kind of 'funny'.

So on with 'STUDY IN PINK!'

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><p>BOMBS: KAAAA-BOOM!<p>

GUNS: Yippie Kay Yay!

SOLDIERS: HELLO!

VIEWERS: What the…? (checking TV schedule, if it really is 'Sherlock')

JOHN: I'm lonely. I'm lonely, and sad. I'm sad, lonely and miserable. I'm sad, miserable, lonely and…

THERAPIST : How's your blog?

JOHN: … And I didn't expect this kind of Spanish Inquisition. Hey, are you drawing there very indecent things with Johnny Depp on that pad instead of taking notes?

THERAPIST: That's it, you're sooo getting 'TRUST ISSUES' for this. By the way, did you think of writing under pseudonym? Arthur Conan Doyle has a nice ring to it. Or Arthur Dent. There's something A. D. about you…

JOHN: Talk some more and there will be something very M.A.D. about me...

* * *

><p><strong>SHERLOCK <strong>

**STUDY IN PINK **

**Created by Those Awsome Guys That Made Doctor Who**

**Starring: Benedict ' AWSOME HOTPANTS' Cucumberbatch, ****Martin 'SOOO CUDDLY' Freeman, and some other guys (almost) no one cares about. **

**Shortened by Milwaukee Meg**

* * *

><p>WOMAN: A CAB!<p>

MAN: What?

WOMAN: I don't know, I just have to say A CAB!

MAN: I don't understand you, sweetie. I'll get A CAB. Oh, and I'll commit suicide, just because. (swallows the pill and dies)

VIEWERS: That wasn't Sherlock Holmes, was it? (checking TV schedule again)

* * *

><p>TEENAGER #1 : Oh look, A CAB! That reminds me, I have to go totally the opposite way I was going and get enormously wet so I can get an umbrella to keep me dry. Bye!<p>

TEENAGER #2: Whut? … My watch is telling me that whatever you said it was completely rubbish, so I'll go after you.

TEENAGER #1: Aw, man, I'm going to the pool, because there isn't enough water around in the rain… And I'm not even thinking of drowning myself, because I've got those pills. There's really something wrong with me, I think (cries and dies)

VIEWERS: (mumble something while desperately checking TV schedule)

* * *

><p>WORKER #1: I took her CAR KEYS!<p>

POLITICAN: I…

VIEWERS: WE DON'T CARE! Where's Sherlock!

* * *

><p>LESTRADE: Those are suicides…<p>

TEXTS: WRONG!

LESTRADE: We're working…

TEXTS: WRONG!

LESTRADE: So we're thinking…

TEXTS: WRONG!

LESTRADE: I'm surrounded by idiots.

TEXT: WRO… RIGHT. Right, right now, but you know where I am, so I can prove you wrong. SH

* * *

><p>MIKE: JOHN? John Watson! Hi, let me talk just how fortunate I am in my life, and how crappy it must be to get shot at!<p>

JOHN: Crap. Do you actually notice, Mike, that I'm trying to be as unnerving as I can? With this cheerfulness you spoil my emo image.

MIKE: Oh, so you want to be a tragic hero, then? Well, you should get yourself a flatmate out of Hell.

JOHN: (cheerfully) Yes, what I need right now is to wallow in more self pity! Hooray! (skips a beat) (wallowing in self pity) I mean, oh, shucks, who would want to live with me…

MIKE: You know, I just know some Holmes to your Watson…

* * *

><p>VIEWERS: OMG Sherlock! At last! I wonder if he's going to be crazy like RDJ Holmes, or rather collected like Brett or maybe…<p>

SHERLOCK: … maybe something like Hannibal Lecter, just to freshen up a beat. A bit, I mean.

MOLLY: Do you want 'coffee'? And by 'coffee' I mean dating, and by 'dating' I mean hot sex in…

SHERLOCK: Coffee, black, two sugars. Oh, you're wearing the lipstick, and by 'you're wearing a lipstick' I mean you can forget it. Really forget it. Like in 'FORGET IT' written 500 times over a building in yellow paint.

MOLLY: Ohh, I love you, Tiger, bring the riding crop, I'll be up with 'coffee' in a minute!

SHERLOCK: (sigh)

* * *

><p>VIEWERS: YESSSS! THEY ARE TOGETHER! AT LAST!<p>

SHERLOCK: I'm quick, I'm brilliant, I prefer to text, and I'm acting like a asshole. You're moving in with me tomorrow.

JOHN: But…

SHERLOCK: Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. And now… Time for dramatic EXIT!

JOHN: But…

MIKE: Serves you right for bullying me at Barts while we were studying! HA.

* * *

><p>MRS HUDSON: Hey, I'm your landlady, not housekeeper, but seeing that you just moved in... I'll feed the slashers for you today, but only this once! So, you won't be needing two bedrooms, you make such a nice couple, and there are married ones just behind that wall, so you might go on double dates! I'm so happy for you two!<p>

JOHN: I'm not gay! We're not gay! We're not together! Not now, not ever! And I'm not in denial!

SLASHERS: Yeah, right. (while writing PWP with riding crop involved)

JOHN: By the way, I saw your page, Sherlock. Science of Seduction. Deduction. Whatever. And you say you recognize programmers by their ties?

SHERLOCK: Yup, even though they are tricky ones… It's easy to mistake them with evil criminal masterminds, sometimes. Of course it won't happen to me…

LESTRADE: Hello, you might want to report burglary, when I went in through those really open wide door I just passed some guys leaving with Mrs Hudson's TV set, wardrobe and a kitten. But never mind that, there is a note left by another victim of murderous suicide.

SHERLOCK: First things first, Detective Inspectacular. (dramatic poses) Do you feel inferior?

LESRADE: … No.

SHERLOCK: Damn. (some more dramatic poses) And now?

LESTRADE: Maybe a bit… No, not really.

SHERLOCK: Damn. Time for dramatic poses AND insults. (makes dramatic poses AND insults)

LESTRADE: (sigh) Okay, just come, Your Almost Majesty. (leaves)

SHERLOCK: HELL, yes! Suicide note, how FUNNY! Yippie! Hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Oh, I'll leave now, stay here and make yourself a bit more emo, will you John? Bye, bye, bye, hugs and kisses to everyone, I've got A CASE! (leaves singing)

JOHN: (baffled) What the hell had just happened?

VIEWERS: (BAFFLED) What the HELL had just HAPPENED?

SHERLOCK: (coming back) So… Want to do something illegal, dangerous, with scenes of violence and gore?

JOHN: I'm just back from Afghanistan, I've got a therapist, PTSD, psychosomatic limp, nightmares and you want me to go with you to investigate some murders? OH GOD, YES, of course I'm coming!

SLASHERS: That 'OH GOD, YES' will haunt my dreams now (shuddering, going back to slash writing now with the 'OG,Y' quote)

* * *

><p>AN - So... What did you think?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you all for wonderful reviews... As you can see, they made me write the whole thing in a day! :D I'll try to answer them personally! :D

So... On with the parody. LET'S CRACK!

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><p>SHERLOCK: Let me just wave my wand and… there comes the Knight Bus!<p>

JOHN: It's a cab.

SHERLOCK: You're such a muggle. I won't talk to you, just for that.

JOHN: (looks out of the window, is NOT looking at Sherlock, just… NO)

SHERLOCK: (toys with his phone)

JOHN: (looks around, still not looking at Sherlock, of course not, what gave you this idea?)

SHERLOCK: (toys with his phone)

JOHN: (almost whistles, looks in general direction of Sherlock, but is NOT staring at Sherlock, of course)

SHERLOCK: (TOYS WITH HIS PHONE, DAMMIT, AND HE'S NOT IRRITATED!)

JOHN: (looks around and is still completely NOT LOOKING at Sherlock, seriously)

SHERLOCK: AAAAAAH! Okay, will you stop this not-staring already if I tell you some of my completely crazy guesses about you?

JOHN: Guesses?

SHERLOCK: …Heh, I mean my very, very scientific and logical deductions, of course.

JOHN: Wouldn't that be 'inductions'?

SHERLOCK: Your brother is a drunk, and your mother smelled of eldberries! One more word, and I'm leaving you here!

JOHN:… Harry's my sister, actually.

SHERLOCK: AND YO MOMMA…

SALLY: Hello, Freak. I'm here to be a strong woman character, so I can't agree with anything you've got to say, you chauvinist. HA, take that!

SHERLOCK: You smell of cologne. And eldberries.

SALLY: Why you…! Wait, is this a human I see behind you? Or maybe he's from outer space?

JOHN: (Hides his towel) Heh… 42?

SHERLOCK: Oh look, ANDERSON! And I forgot my sunglasses, damn.

ANDERSON: The everyday's logic, procedures, common sense and law are with me here: you can't contaminate my crime scene, or we won't have reliable evidence!

SHERLOCK: I am SHERLOCK HOLMES (thunder, lightning strikes innocent bystander). Your logic is irrelevant. Resistance to my DEDUCTION POWER is futile. You won't be assimilated only because you're too stupid. And…you sleep with women. Gross.

SLASHERS: HE SLEEPS WITH WOMEN? UGH, GROSS! WHAT A PERVERT! Let's think of some totally crazy kink just to even that up!

LESTRADE: Who's this?

SHERLOCK: He's with ME.

LESTRADE: But… What's his name?

SHERLOCK: He's with me.

LESTRADE: Ok, Sherlock, why is Mr. Heswithme with you?

JOHN: Er? Hello? I'm here? You can ask me, perhaps?

LESTRADE: You heard something?

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: OH, look, a body! How much FUN! Whee, DEDUCTION TIME! Lemmie swirl my magic coat!<p>

JOHN: (whispering to Lestrade) Hey, you see those little white letters too?

LESTRADE: Huh? (looks around) I think I heard something…

VIEWERS WITH DIRTY WEDDING RINGS: Oh hell, I didn't clean my wedding ring for a while!

SPOUSES OF VIEWERS WITH DIRTY WEDDING RINGS: YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE! I'm leaving and going to mummy in this moment! Okay, so maybe I'm leaving when the episode is over. Pass crisps, you serial adulterer.

ANDERSON: Oh, can I just show you my linguistic skills? And my kewl Germann Akcent?

SHERLOCK: Shut up. Doctor What-Son, what you think?

JOHN: What?

LESTRADE: OMG! Dr What Son Heswithme TALKS!

JOHN: Er… Yeah. So, what am I doing?

SHERLOCK: I don't know, I wanted you to do the tapdance on the crime scene just to piss the police off, but you're limping so I switched to this instead. Try to irritate them with your analyses, okay?

JOHN: Oookay. So, here's a dead body…

SHERLOCK: EXCELLENT!

JOHN: Aaaand, she didn't drown.

SHERLOCK: BEAUTIFUL!

JOHN: Aaaand, she wasn't stabbed… Or killed by a swarm of angry, mutated bees…

LESTRADE: AAAAAAGH! Okay, I've had it. Sherlock, tell me what you just made up so we can do our jobs here.

SHERLOCK: (high-fives with John) So let me just tell you my wonderful guesses… DEDUCTIONS. She's from Cardiff, because the producers think it's the middle of universe, she's got a case, she's dressed in pink, she's got the case… Where's the case?

LESTRADE: There is no case!

SHERLOCK: Are you the Oracle now? Nevermind, my gue…DEDUCTIONS tell me, that there must be a case!

JOHN: Aren't those inductions?

SHERLOCK: That's it, I'm leaving you here! Let me SWIRL! (leaves with a swirl of his coat)

JOHN: Aw hell. Here comes this dramatic music again, it always makes me depressed. Do you, by any chance know where are we? He told me twice, but who would remember some stupid Brixton…

SALLY: Boo, hoo, be afraid! I'm the ghost of future murders, and one day we'll all stand over the body that Sherlock placed there… Boo, Hoo… He's psychopath, he'll kill someone, and soon, too! Adrenaline addict! He'll murder someone, you'll see!

JOHN: You're in so much surprise by the end of this episode…

* * *

><p>(CUT OUT EXTRA SCENE: -<p>

CONSTABE CLARKIE: Ow, look Jack, a pink suitcase is lying on the stairs in obvious, easily seen place, we totally missed it!

CONSTABLE SMITH: You mean the pink suitcase that this strange guy was shouting about ten minutes ago? And our DI, too?

CONSTABLE CLARKIE: Yeah! (a beat) Shucks, we're in trouble, aren't we?

CONSTABLE SMITH: … Just throw it away, somewhere. I saw a trash pile about five minutes from here…

- )

* * *

><p>TELEPHONE#1: (rings)<p>

JOHN: TAXI!

CABS: We brake for nobody. And we don't stop for muggles!

TELEPHONE#2: (rings)

JOHN: Cool, I've got psychic powers, like in "Belphecor"

TELEPHONE#3(RINGS, DAMMIT, RINGS)

JOHN: (picks the phone) Let's see what my subconsciousness has to say…

CHILD'S VOICE: Mummy? Are you my mummy? Mummy?

JOHN: What the… ?

SINISTER VOICE: Khem, sorry, wrong script. So, look at your left. There's a camera. And at your right there's camera too. And there's…

JOHN: OH GOSH, you mean it's 'Truman Show'? Or rather, 'Watson Show'? Do I have fans? Are ratings high? Are we being cancelled? Why are they turning away, if I'm the star?

SINISTER VOICE: Just get into car, you're being secretly kidnapped on a street full of people and shops. Because if the camera turns away, nobody can hear you scream… Buahahahahah. And I'm not making any threats, but you're going to die in pain.

JOHN: At least I've got a babe to accompany me to my demise. Hey, beautiful, I'm not gay, so I'll hit on you. What's your name, sugar?

NOT!ANTHEA: Sh! I'm beating my record in 'snake'. And it's Anthea.

JOHN: Subtitles say otherwise.

NOT!ANTHEA: Your chances at dating me just hit the bottom. We're not even together, and you're already cheating by reading blockings.

* * *

><p>JOHN: Aw Hell, there's dramatic music again… You know, you Mysterious Omnipotent Character, that you could have just called ME, instead of calling the whole city?<p>

MYCROFT HOLMES: Darn. Didn't think of THAT. Anthea, fire somebody. So, now let me be SCARY and EVIL! BUAHAHAHAHAHA.

JOHN: You realize that the joke with you being the criminal mastermind is spoiled by the subtitles?

MYCROFT: Stop reading SUBTITLES, or I'll laugh evilly at you again!

JOHN: La, la, la, I'm not scared, I'm not scared, la, la, la!

MYCROFT: Okay, you wanted this. Ahem: "Should we expect the happy announcement by the end of the week"?

JOHN: (speechless with rage and disbelief) How could you…

SLASHERS: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH! YEAH! YEAH! Of course you should expect it! OMG! YEEEEEAH! WOOOHOOO! (slash-gasm) (writing 20000 slash fics per hour)

SLASH-HATERS: Oh God. Gross. It's almost a bad slash story here. What's next, two man holding hands?

MYCROFT: I wanna hold your haaaand!

SLASH-HATERS: (facepalm) Forget it.

JOHN: You don't fool me!

MYCROFT: C'mon, c'mon now touch me babe!

JOHN: I want to break free!

TEXT: 'I want you, I need you! SH'

JOHN: Well, I'd better take my gun, then, to protect my virtue! (drives happily away with Not!Anthea to take his gun, while hitting on her like a hammer on a nail)

VIEWERS: (confused) Wait, are were supposed to think this strange umbrella guy is Moriarty? Because we don't, not really.

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Aaaah!<p>

PURE-MINDED VIEWERS: Oh! He's taking drugs! Naughty, naughty!

REST OF VIEWERS: Heh, heh, heh. Polishing his skills, is he, now. Naughty, naughty! Heh, heh, heh.

SHERLOCK: FOOLED YOU! Those are nicotine patches, because we have to promote a healthy lifestyle. IN YOUR FACE!

JOHN: I'd rather not.

SHERLOCK: Ah, yes, John. Give me your phone, because I'm so awesome that I can't be bothered to stand up. I'm too sexy for my phone, too sexy…

JOHN: So. A case.

SHERLOCK: In case you're wondering, I'm tickled pink with the case. And I'm too sexy for thos case, too.

JOHN: You mean the case of a pink case?

SHERLOCK: Pink case could be a case here, but my brain is in the pink, so the case is not a case, really, because I found the case this case is about. Now, to more important matters. Send a text: "Hello sexy, I blacked out, wanna meet me at some strange street?'

JOHN: That makes no sense.

SHERLOCK: Who cares, we're sending it to a dead woman anyway.

JOHN: What? Are you sexting a dead body?

SHERLOCK: Don't be ridiculous. YOU'RE sexting a dead body. Now, I must tell you I'm not a killer.

JOHN: Yeah, okay.

SHERLOCK: No, really. I didn't kill her.

JOHN: I know.

SHERLOCK: It wasn't me! Honest! I didn't kill her, even if majority of my ridiculous assumptions point at me! And you're not sexting a dead body, by the way, because the killer must have taken the phone. So it can't be me, obviously! Really, I didn't do it.

JOHN: … Wait. Wait… I got it! You sent a text… to murderer!

VIEWERS: He's so bright my head wants to unite viciously with nearest wall. Good thing Sherlock has got quicker thinking and he'll never miss obvious things!

SHERLOCK: Who do we trust, even when we don't know him? Who hunts in the middle of the crowd? Who is always on the streets? Who has a car in which everybody would gladly get in?

JOHN: Is it a multiple choice question? Do I get lifelines? Who is this?

VIEWERS: A cabbie? A CABBIE! C'mon, Sherlock, you've solved it! A CABBIE! Oh, you genius! I wouldn't think of that if you didn't make it so obvious.

SHERLOCK: I don't know.

VIEWERS: Wha…? (baffled)

* * *

><p>ANGELO: Oh, how sweet, you brought a date, Sherlock!<p>

JOHN: I'm not his date.

ANGELO: Sorry, but it's a restaurant, I feed slashers here, too… Besides, who are you kidding? I'll bring a candle!

SLASHERS: Yeah, Johnny- boy, who are you kidding! (high-fives)

JOHN: I'm completely straight, thank you very much. To prove this, I'll talk to you, Sherlock, about girlfriends, just like any other heterosexual men would do on a dat… on a diner with candles.

SHERLOCK: Girlfriends… Not my area.

SLASHERS: What? Whaaaat? WHAT? I don't EVEN…

JOHN: Soo… you have a boyfriend? Oh, great, you can tell me in detail what are you doing to each other in bed! It's perfectly straight, of course, to be excited about two man in a bed together!

ANGELO: (takes out an accordion) Don't mind me, not at all, here's your spaghetti, John. (starts singing) Oh this is the night, it's a beautiful night, and we call it Belle Notte….

SHERLOCK: No, I don't have a boyfriend.

ANGELO: (somewhere in the background) Look at the skies, they have stars in their eyes, on this lovely Belle Notte…

JOHN: So… You're single. Just like me. And you're available, just like me. And we're living together, just like a pair. And…

SLASHERS: I'm in FRIGGIN' HEAVEN. NOW I CAN DIE, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE. (slash-gasm)

SHERLOCK HOLMES FANS: So, it's canon now. LET US CELEBRATE! (uncorking champagne)

SHERLOCK: I think I'll play hard to get now. Mostly because you've eaten the whole spaghetti and didn't share this meatball with me. So… I'm flattered, but…

JOHN: What? You think I tried to… hit on you? No way, I'm STRAIGHT. I'll lick my lips in totally straight heterosexual way now, just to prove to you I'm not trying anything gay. And that I've got really flexible tongue, by the way.

SHERLOCK: … (panics) LOOK, A CAB!

VIEWERS: YES, you finally got that! God, what a…

JOHN: Look, it's driving away! What do we do now?

SHERLOCK: Now we… RUN for his life!

BENNY HILL MUSIC: (starts in the background)

JOHN: ROOFS? I don't want to die!

SHERLOCK: Sissy.

JOHN: It's only Matrix anyway. (jumps)

VIEWERS: YEAH! NAIL THE MAN!

SHERLOCK: POLICE!

JOHN: Where?

SHERLOCK: We are the police, you dolt. (looks at the passenger) Oh. Look at you. You look like an idiot, you stare like an idiot. You sit like an idiot. You…

GUY IN CAB: Are you cops?

SHERLOCK: … you talk like an idiot. Yup, you're American, alright. I can give you my 'Lestrade' badge or sing 'Englishman in NY', to prove we're from the police. Bye. (shuts the door)

GUY IN CAB: … They weren't from the police! "Englishman…" was from Sting's solo album! I think I'll alert the authorities that they broke copyright laws!

SHERLOCK: That wasn't him. And now we run, before Constable Johnson ask us to sing 'De do do do, da da da' to prove we're in police force.

VIEWERS: IT'S THE CABBIE, DAMMIT, A CABBIE! (facepalm)

* * *

><p>JOHN: (giggles like a schoolgirl) That was ridiculous.<p>

SHERLOCK: (giggles like a schoolgirl) That was FUN.

JOHN: (looks at Sherlock in totally manly and straight way)

SHERLOCK: (looks at John in totally uninterested, married – to – my – job way) So. You'll live with me now.

JOHN: Now I'm playing hard to get and I'm asking 'whyyy?'

SHERLOCK: Because otherwise I'll let Angelo beat you to death with that walking stick you forgot about.

JOHN: Kinky. I like that. But let's move it upst…

MRS HUDSON: Sherlock! You naughty boy! Someone invaded your flat while you were away, and I was too scared to show myself!

SHERLOCK: For the love of… Lestrade, what are you doing here?

LESTRADE: We're throwing a wild party! I was just walking past 221B, and noticed the front door opened wide, no one there… So I called some friends, and here we are! Where do you keep your Britney Spears CDs?

SHERLOCK: No. NO. YOU'RE NOT THROWING PARTY HERE. And I'm past the Britney Spears phase, thank you very much. I'm clean now! I don't even listen to Michael Jackson now, only classical!

SALLY: Can I put those eyeballs in our drinks? And why don't I believe you?

JOHN: … Does anyone notice that it's my flat too? And this is MY dirty laundry you're searching through?

LESTRADE: You heard something? Strange. Anyway, this is a pink case that our murderer had taken from the crime scene, and if we can't have a party, we want the case. It's pink and pretty. Oh, and Rachel was a daughter of our Pink Lady.

SHERLOCK: Good, case solved, the daughter did it.

VIEWERS: THE CABBIE DID IT, YOU MORON.

ANDERSON: And I think you did it, Sherlock!

SHERLOCK: And I think you're as bright as a very dark place. Beware of my witty retorts, yo.

JOHN: And I think I'll say something really intelligent right now, not that any of you is listening to me…

SHERLOCK: You were saying something? Never mind, I've got to be crazy psychopath now, because all this giggling and flirting is bad for my hipster image. Thinking of dead daughter? Dull. Dying? Dull. John, what would you say if you were dying?

JOHN: Hm. Let me see… "OH MY GOD, NO, NOOOO, DON'T DO THIS, AAAAAGH! AAAAAAGHHHHH"

SHERLOCK: Dull.

JOHN: Well, I would throw in several more 'AGH's.

SHERLOCK: Well, that would be a bit better, but try to work on it. But why scratch this name on the floor while dying…

LESTRADE: The answer probably is in the castle of AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa.

MRS HUDSON: Sherlock, dear, there's cabbie to see you.

VIEWERS: DAMMIT, ARREST THIS GUY ALREADY! (SLASHERS: … And kiss John, already!)

SHERLOCK: WAIT! WAIT! I've got it! We can trace her phone, just because I told you so, and because of some strange tracking technology almost no one heard about. So we can check where the phone is…

MRS HUDSON: But the cabbie…

SHERLOCK: Just go fly a kite. Or get high as a kite. Or both.

CABBIE: (comes in, in a creepy way)

VIEWERS: YOU DUMB IDIOT, IT'S HIM, HE'S THE KILLER! YOU JUST… AGHHHH! (slamming heads into nearest walls)

SHERLOCK: Ooo, look, time is slowing down! And I'm hearing myself speak, how funny. And there's a guy with pretty pink phone… I think I'll go with him. Wait. Oh. OH. He's the killer. I'm such a genius, really.

VIEWERS: The whole power of CAPSLOCK won't be sufficient to properly articulate this 'FINALLY!' we want to scream at the top of our lungs while smashing our hands through our brains in EPIC FACEPALM.

SHERLOCK: I am so intelligent that I'll go with a murderer from the place swarming with police to some empty building. Yeah, good plan. Guys, I'm leaving, bye, don't wait up.

LESTRADE: Oh. So, the flat is empty, and we didn't find that Britney Spears records… And he doesn't even have proper drinks. We're leaving, guys.

JOHN: Goodbye.

LESTRADE: Someone heard something?

* * *

><p>CABBIE: Oh, I'm so clever, and you're so clever, and I want to kill you. Wanna go for a ride?<p>

SHERLOCK: Sure, why not.

CABBIE: Oh, let me now tell you some stupid, half philosophical thoughts about humanity, stupidity and boredom. Want me to psychoanalyze you? Nevermind, I'll just talk my guts out in dramatic speeches, that no one cares about… but they build tension just right.

SHERLOCK: So we'll sit here and stare at each other? I'm leaving now.

CABBIE: YOU CAN'T!

SHERLOCK: Why?

CABBIE:… It's not in the script.

VIEWERS: Damn, you mean WE'VE GOT TO SIT THROUGH this infantile MUMBLING?

SHERLOCK: Damn, you mean I've got to sit through your infantile mumbling?

VIEWERS: You earned it, Sherlock. Should have caught him earlier, for your and our sake. No sympathy on our side. None at all.

CABBIE: Well, it's chess, but not chess, I'm so great, you're so bored. And you're bored, I'm clever. Did I tell you it's lie chess, but different. And it's not boring. And it's like playing chess, really, because I'm so clever. And you're bored, right? And if you're bored, I'm clever, we can play those not-really-chess. And it's not getting boring, because it's clever, because I'm clever, and…

SHERLOCK: (facepalm) Just give me that pill already. Either you die and finally shut up, or I die and I don't have to listen to you any longer. Win – win situation. So, bottoms up!

JOHN: SHERLOOOOOOOOOOOOCK! (Shoots the man dead from another building)

VIEWERS: Wow. That was. Wow. (stare in amazement)

DOUBTS ABOUT NEW JW : (jumping out of the window)

SLASHERS: Wow. (stop writing slash because of shock)

SHERLOCK: Kewl. Oh, I'll torture you now. Gimmie name. You owe me, for all this wasted time.

CABBIE: Nope.

SHERLOCK: I'll tap-dance on you.

CABBIE: Okay. Moriarty.

SHERLOCK: Who is he?

CABBIE: I don't know, I just made it up. (dies)

VIEWERS: Wow. You saw that? He just shoot… Wow. (still in shock)

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Why do I get this blanket?<p>

GATISS: Yeah, why does he get this blanket?

MOFFAT: … I don't know, why?

GATISS: Well you thought that up! You tell me!

VIEWERS: We think we need one. Can BAMF!John bring it here? Please?

LESTRADE: So, we've got one dead murderer, and one running happily around London. We're so incompetent, we didn't see anyone here.

SHERLOCK: Oh, the killer is ex-military doctor, who wears jumpers, rather short, beautiful eyes, perfect smile, blond hair, initials JW… Oh, look how sweet he looks while trying to pretend he's innocent…

LESTRADE: Nope, still nothing. Maybe you'll say some more…

SHERLOCK: Tomorrow, now I've got to take my flatmate on a date. He killed for me, you know?

LESTRADE: Have fun. And I still don't know who you're talking about.

SLASHERS: I think I've got to take those slash-goggles off. They're too strong. (noticing slash-goggles lying innocently on the shelf) OH. COOOOOOL!

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Oh, you! (giggle) My little killer!<p>

JOHN: (Giggle) that was fun! And now let's skip the dinner and go straight to…

MYCROFT: HELLO! Anthea, switch the dramatic music on!

DRAMATIC MUSIC: (starts playing)

SHERLOCK: Hello, brother.

VIEWERS: What a surprise. He's not Moriarty. No, I'm almost shocked. But… Hell, John just killed the cabby! WOOHOO!

MYCROFT: You tore my colouring book once!

SHERLOCK: And you stole my LEGO set!

MYCROFT: Boo!

SHERLOCK: Boo! (leaves)

JOHN: I don't want to know, really, I'll just run after him… Smiling as any heterosexual man to another heterosexual man, and not flirting, of course. Just some… manly talks. (leaves)

MYCROFT: Right . Anthea, give me a reason.

NOT!ANTHEA: What reason?

MYCROFT: To say SHERLOCK HOLMES AND DOCTOR WATSON in meaningful way.

NOT!ANTHEA: You just did.

MYCROFT: Oh. OH. Therefore I allow the credits to roll.

FIN

VIEWERS: WHUT? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHEN'S SECOND EPISODE? And did you see how he shot…

* * *

><p>AN: And? How did you like it?

Should I do next episode?

Hugs,

MM


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